Letters
by Eleanor the great
Summary: At 13 Helga leaves the U.S. to start at a boarding school in France, this is a faithful document of all her correspondence during that period.


**SEPTEMBER**

Dear Helga,

I'm going to miss you. I can't believe you've moved so far away so soon. At the risk of sounding clichéd I love you, you're my best friend after all. I still don't quite understand, it was Olga who suggested you board in France? It'll be scary won't it? I mean not that you'll be scared or anything, but well, remember you can call me whenever you want I don't mind the time difference or anything (but remember to call my mobile otherwise I might get in trouble). Do you think it'll be like Arnold's boarding house?

I've enclosed some Mr Nutty Bars, in case you get homesick and a photo of our class, I know you didn't want one but, just in case you change your mind, here it is. You must tell me everything, have you learnt French yet? Are people nice? Do French people really eat snails and frog's legs all the time?

Our class doesn't feel the same without you, Arnold keeps rubbing the back of his head because there are no spit wads flying at him and Rhonda is getting, well, slightly intolerable. Now I sit with Lila at lunchtime, she's very nice but a little lacking in, pizzazz.

I miss you so much already Helga and you've only been gone a week.

With love,

Phoebe

P.S. I walked into Mr Simmon's class yesterday, I can't believe we were so small only two years ago! Albeit, I'm still that small…

Dear Phoebe,

You wouldn't BELIEVE the flight attendant I had to sit with! She _thought_ she was bilingual, I couldn't understand _a word!_

I wish you'd been there to translate Pheebs.

I mean what does that stupid airline think it is?!?! I'm freaking out(not that I was scared or anything because I wasn't)because I'm going on this huge trip _without _my family to FRANCE, and then they tell me this IDIOT is great with kids(vegetables more like), and what does she do??? I'll tell you what she did, she starts flirting with this guy(and when I say I "guy" I use that term loosely, I mean I have no idea what that _thing _was sitting only two seats away from me, and the _stench!_ I mean sheesh, I don't know if it was sweat or cologne or what but he should've busted the jaw of whoever let him out like that!) and the whole flight they're jabbering away in French. I think she was making me out to be her sister, I mean please, she was like 40 or something! (I'm right in thinking "soeur" is sister in French right?)

Anyway the flight was going on and on, and we had some _thing_ called aubergine de braise. It was disgusting, I thought I was eating cardboard with some oil on it. Seriously, tofu tastes better than that (I know you think tofu is a great "base" or it cleanses the palate or something Pheebs, but to me it will always be a tasteless cube of white muck).

So we finally get in to the airport in Paris and the 40-year-old virgin, who's so _great_ with kids wanders off, and this other woman says she'll take me and drop me off on the other side of customs. I mean, _crimeny!_ It was like I was a box of, I don't know, _anchovies_ or something! Finally I got through customs (which took about as long as the flight).

Do you remember Cecile? Arnold's pen pal, she picked me up from the airport because my aunt's really good friends with them. I'm writing this at their apartment actually. They live on the top floor of this little block of apartments and the view of all the chimneys is awesome, I'm going to enclose a photo of it for you. I'm pretty tired now, with all the jetlag, so I'm going to bed.

Don't let Rhonda get too cocky,

Love Helga

P.S. I don't think boarding is going to be like Arnold's on account of it being a school. Was Arnold really rubbing the back of his head? He is such a football-headed geek!

To my sweetest little sis ever,

How's everything in Paris, I know Aunt Hilda said everything was okay, but I'd just like to check up, you know? I mean, you are my baby sister! I hope all your little pink dresses are nice and smooth, I did iron them just before you went away, so I hope they didn't get too creased!

Have you been to the Eiffel Tower yet? Or the Louvre? When I went two years ago, they had a lovely exhibition on Leonardo Da Vinci. Don't you think the Mona Lisa is just so breathtaking? I'll always remember that trip with such fond memories because I was with Doug, he was such a wonderful man, oh, those sunlit days when I believed I would one day be Mrs Le Sham! Still I should've known I couldn't have him all to myself. Namibia needed him more than I did.

Well, enjoy yourself little sis!

Love Olga

P.S. Your little friend Alfred (or was it Andy?) Well, the little blonde haired boy with the blue cap, he asked after you today. You have such thoughtful friends!

Olga Helga,

Do you remember where my green shirt is? I can't find it, and your mother's sleeping behind the sofa again.

Hope you're enjoying Paris,

Bob Dad

P.S. Hulk Hogan smashed The Diamond Frankenstein last night (do you get wrestling in France?)

Olga,

Yeah the shirts are great. And yeah I saw the Mona Lisa – it was pretty awesome, and I've been up the Eiffel tower (although I couldn't see anything because of the fog/smog).

Olga, three words of wisdom: suck it up. Sham's gone, disappeared, departed, left the building. Get over it.

More importantly did the blond haired boy say anything in particular to you about me? (Not that I care or anything).

Your sister,

Helga

P.S. Tell Bob his green shirt's under the sofa and that he owes me $2 (HULK HOGAN RULES !- don't ask)

To Helga,

You didn't mention to me that you'd be staying in _the _fashion capital! Gosh, think of all those _designers!_ Really, Helga, you must bring everyone back something from your stay in Paris, and obviously maybe some small extra for me, after all I did just give you the idea. I highly recommend La Fayette, that place is gorgeous! And of course, the Champs-Elysees!

Everything here is fine, obviously not as exciting as _Paris_, Curly's still as irritating as ever, although I think I detect some chemistry between a certain bookworm and a tall dark boy we both know! I saw them having a little _**tête**_-_**à-tête**_ the other day!

Kiss kiss,

Rhonda Wellington-Lloyd

P.S. the baseball team needs you back, we lost badly 14-0 to P.S. 119, it was sooo humiliating and I got my blouse absolutely filthy, I mean I know exercise is important for the figure but does it have to be so, barbaric?


End file.
